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Utdrag ur:A
Baby Cries: How Should Parents Respond?
Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
"Immediate response to a baby's
cry went unquestioned for thousands of years until recent times. In our culture,
we assume that crying is normal and unavoidable for babies. Yet in natural
societies where babies are carried close to the care-giver much of the day and
night for the first several months, such crying is rare. In contrast to what
many in our society would expect, babies cared for in this way show
self-sufficiency sooner than do babies not receiving such care.
In fact, research on early
childhood experiences consistently shows that children who have enjoyed the most
loving care in infancy become the most secure and loving adults, while those
babies who have been forced into submissive behavior build up feelings of
resentment and anger that may well be expressed later in harmful ways.
In spite of this research, most
arguments for ignoring crying are based on fears of "spoiling" the baby. A
typical baby-care brochure advises the parent to "let the baby handle it for a
while". Though infancy can be a challenging time for the parents, a baby is
simply too young and inexperienced to "handle" the cause of the crying, whatever
it may be. He cannot feed himself, change himself, or comfort himself in the way
that nature intended. Clearly, it is the parents' responsibility to meet their
baby's needs for nurturing, security, and love, not the baby's responsibility to
meet his parents' need for peace and solitude."
Neurosis
Dr.
Arthur Janov
"Many
parents make the mistake of not picking up their child sufficiently out of fear
of "spoiling" him. By ignoring him, this is precisely what they do,
and later they will be swamped by the child's insatiable demands for symbolic
substitutes — until the day they crack down on him. The consequences of that
are both inevitable and dreadful."
Utdrag ur:The
Baby is the Book
Jan Hunt, M.Sc
"Babies, programmed by nature,
know instinctively what good parenting looks like. They know, for example, that
touch is a need every bit as critical as feeding. They will protest loudly if we
put them in the isolation of a crib to sleep, but will fall asleep peacefully
when they have the security of human touch. They know that responsive parenting
enhances trust and bonding - and will respond with anguish and fear when we
ignore their cries. They know that breastfeeding offers critical immunization,
nutrition and comfort, and will instinctively move to the breast on their own,
just moments after birth. They know that breastmilk changes in consistency in
accordance with their age, and will wean naturally when their nursing needs have
been fully met. They know they are dependent on others for their very survival,
and will react with terror if they cannot see us for even a short time. They
know all of these things and more. Parents would be wise to learn from their
babies instead of assuming that babies are always learning from them."
TIO ORSAKER ATT BESVARA ETT BARNS
GRÅT
Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
| 1.
A baby's first attempts to communicate cannot be in words, but can
only be nonverbal. She cannot put happy feelings into words, but she
can smile. She cannot put sad or angry feelings into words, but she
can cry. If her smiles receive a response, but crying is ignored,
she can receive the harmful message that she is loved and cared for
only when she is happy. Children who continue to get this message
through the years cannot feel truly loved and accepted.
2.
If a child's attempts to communicate sadness or anger are routinely
ignored, he cannot learn how to express those feelings in words.
Crying must receive an appropriate and positive response so that the
child sees that all of his feelings are accepted. If his
feelings are not accepted, and crying is ignored or punished, he
receives the message that sadness and anger are unacceptable, no
matter how they are expressed. It is impossible for a child
to understand that expression of sadness or anger might be
accepted in appropriate words once he is older and able to use those
words. A child can only communicate in ways available to him at a
given time; a child can only accomplish what he has had a chance to
learn. Every child is doing his best, according to his age,
experience, and present circumstances. It is surely unfair to punish
a child for not doing more than he can do.
3.
A child who has been given the message that her parents will only
respond to her when she is "good" will begin to hide "bad" behavior
and "bad" feelings from others, and even from herself. She may
become an adult who submerges "bad" emotions and is unable to
communicate the full range of human feelings. Indeed, there are many
adults who find it difficult to express anger, sadness, or other
"bad" feelings in an appropriate way.
4.
Anger that cannot be expressed in early childhood does not simply
disappear. It becomes repressed and builds up over the years, until
the child is unable to contain it any longer, and is old enough to
have lost his fear of physical punishment. When this container of
anger is finally thrown open, the parents can be shocked and
perplexed. They have forgotten the hundreds or thousands of moments
of frustration which have been filling this container over the
years. The psychological principle that "frustration leads to
aggression" is never more clearly seen than in the final rebellion
of a teenager. Parents should be helped to understand how
frustrating it can be for a child to feel "invisible" when crying is
ignored, or to feel helpless and discouraged when his attempts to
express his needs and feelings are ignored or punished.
5.
We are all born knowing that each and every feeling we have is
legitimate. We gradually lose that belief if only our "good" side
brings a positive response. This is a tragedy, because it is only
when we fully accept ourselves and others, regardless of mistakes,
that we can have truly loving relationships. If we are not fully
loved and accepted in childhood, we may never learn how that feels
or how to communicate that acceptance to others, no matter how much
therapy or reading or thinking we may do. How much easier our lives
would be if we had simply received unconditional love throughout our
early years!
6.
Parents wondering whether to respond to crying might give some
thought to their own responses in similar situations. Parents may
consider it appropriate to ignore a child's cries, yet feel
intensely angry if their partner ignores attempts to have a
conversation. Many in our society seem to believe that a person must
be a certain age before he has the right to be heard. Yet what age
would that be? Infants and children are not any less a person just
because they are small and helpless. If anything, the more helpless
someone is, the more they deserve to have our compassion.
attention, and assistance.
7.
If children are taught by example that helpless persons deserve to
be ignored, they can lose the compassion for others that all humans
are born with. If, as helpless infants, their cries are ignored,
they begin to believe that this is the appropriate response to those
who are weaker than themselves, and that "might makes right".
Without compassion, the stage is set for later violence. Those who
wonder why a violent criminal had no compassion for his victims need
to consider where he lost that compassion. Compassion does not
disappear overnight. It is stolen, through unresponsive or punitive
parenting, drop by drop, until it is gone. Loss of compassion is the
greatest tragedy that can befall a child.
8.
When a child learns by her parents' example that it is appropriate
to ignore a child's cries, she will naturally treat her own child
the same way, unless there is some intervention from others.
Inadequate parenting continues through the generations until
fortunate circumstances come about to change this pattern. How much
easier it is for a parent to have learned in childhood how to treat
his or her own child! Perhaps the cycle of inadequate parenting can
begin to change when bystanders no longer walk past an anguished
child without stopping to help. This may be the first time the child
has been given the message that her feelings are legitimate and
important, and this critical message may be remembered later when
she herself has a child.
9.
Crying is a signal provided by nature that is meant to disturb the
parents so that the child's needs will be met. Ignoring a child's
cries is like ignoring the warning signal of a smoke detector
because we find it disturbing. This signal is meant to disturb us so
that we can attend to an important matter. Only a deaf person would
ignore a smoke detector, yet many parents turn a deaf ear to a
child's cries. Crying, like the detector signal, is meant to capture
our attention so that we can attend to the important needs of the
child. It just makes no sense to think that nature would have
provided all children with a routinely used signal that serves no
good purpose.
10.
Parents who respond only to "good" behavior may believe they are
training the child to behave "better". Yet they themselves feel most
like cooperating with those who treat them with kindness. It is as
though children are seen as a different species, operating on
different principles of behavior. This makes no sense, because it
would be impossible to identify a moment when the child suddenly
changes to "adult" operating principles. The truth is much simpler:
children are human beings who behave on the same principles as all
other human beings. Like the rest of us, they respond best to
kindness, patience and understanding. Parents wondering why a child
is "misbehaving" might stop and ask themselves this question: "Do I
feel like cooperating when someone treats me well, or when someone
treats me the way I have just treated my child?"
Källa:
The Natural Child Project |
The Giraffe Mediator
Inbal Kashtan
The Relationship Between Feelings and Behavior
Sidney D. Craig, Ph.D.
The Feelings of Children
Virginia Coigney
Ten Ways We Misunderstand Children
Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
"You Don't Really Feel That Way!"
Elisabeth Hallett
|
"In our society, we
have been asking the wrong question. We have asked, "Which set of
rules work with children, and which set works with adults?" The
reality is, happily, far simpler: all humans behave as well as they
are treated. Age makes no difference."
Källa:
The Parenting Golden Rule
Jan Hunt, M.Sc. |
Psykiska ohälsan förvärras mycket bland svenska barn
Barnombudsmannen
"Stor ökning på varannan
mottagning i barnpsykiatrin, visar ny rapport från barnombudsmannen. Minskade
resurser till skolhälsovård, socialtjänst och primärvård har förvärrat den
psykiska ohälsan hos barn och ungdomar. Varannan mottagning inom barn- och
ungdomspsykiatrin svarar att ohälsan ökat mycket och var tredje uppger att
ohälsan ökat något. I ett internationellt perspektiv visar allt fler rapporter
att den psykiska ohälsan ökar oroväckande mycket, skriver barnombudsmannen Lena
Nyberg. Bland annat har försäljningen av antidepressiva medel till 15-19-åringar
fördubblats på tre år."
En
episod i mitt eget liv
...och
där stod jag med den största kökskniven vi hade riktad mot hjärtat och
kände att ingen lyssnade på mig, ingen tog mig på allvar... Jag var själv
hemma och tårarna strömmade ner för mina kinder. Jag hade massor av kompisar
och var populär men min mamma, styvfar och pappa såg mig inte.
Utdrag
ur
"Good"
Children - at What Price? The Secret Cost of Shame
Robin Grille and
Beth Macgregor
"Shaming
is one of the most common methods used to regulate children's behavior.
Daniel
Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, says that we are now discovering
the role that shame plays in relationship difficulties and violent behavior."
"Even
well-meaning adults can sometimes underestimate children's sensitivity to
shaming language. There is mounting evidence that some of the words used to
scold children - household words previously thought "harmless" -
have the power to puncture children's self-esteem for years to come."
"Psychiatrist
Peter Loader states that people cover up or compensate for deep feelings of
shame with attitudes of contempt, superiority, domineering or bullying,
self-deprecation, or obsessive perfectionism."
"We
are naive to confuse shame-based compliance with morally motivated behavior.
At best, repeated shaming leads to a shallow conformism, based on escaping
disapproval and seeking rewards. The child learns to avoid punishment by
becoming submissive and compliant. The charade of "good manners"
is not necessarily grounded in true interpersonal respect.
Sometimes
what we condemn as "misbehavior" is simply the child's attempt to
have some need met in the best way they know, or to master a new skill."
"Is
it possible to understand what motivates children when they are "behaving
badly", instead of shaming them? What might "bad" behavior be a
reaction to?"
"When
we don't seek to understand a child's "bad" behaviors, we risk
neglecting their needs. For instance, sometimes children repeatedly behave
aggressively - over and above what can normally be expected of children their
age. This could be due to conflict in the home, bullying at school, or
competition with a sibling. Often what we expediently label as "bad"
behavior is a vital signal that the child in question might actually be hurting.
Research has repeatedly shown that a consistent pattern of antisocial behaviors,
for example hostility and bullying, are children's reactions to having felt
victimized in some way. Children often "act out" their hurts
aggressively, when they have not found a safe way to show that they have been
hurt."
"The
understanding that comes from seeing the world through a child's eyes can help
adults to influence children without shaming them."
Utdrag ur:The
Case Against Time-out
Peter Haiman, Ph.D.
Child Behavior - A Symptom
"The behavior of children has a
legitimate cause. Childhood behavior is determined, for the most part, by how
children feel about the current state of their physical and psychosocial needs.
Needs are strong in every child, and children are, by nature, sensitive to their
own needs. If one or more of their needs are not met, children will soon feel
uncomfortable.
Children will cry out when they
feel uncomfortable. An infant or toddler's cry announces feelings of
frustration. These cries have evolved as a survival mechanism. They attract
parental attention. The purpose of a cry is to obtain the kind and quality of
parental love and care that will properly attend to unmet needs and, therefore,
establish feelings of security in the child. The misbehavior of older children
and adolescents is a cry for help announcing that their needs are frustrated.
Cries and misbehavior from
children and adolescents are, in a way, very much like a sore throat, stuffed up
nose, aching muscles, or a fever. All are symptoms. All have causes. A medical
practitioner knows that when the virus or bacteria that is causing physical
symptoms is eliminated, the noxious feelings will be quelled. Similarly, when
parents correctly diagnose and provide remedies that address the needs of
children and adolescents, the symptoms of crying or misbehavior will also
disappear.
The frustration of important needs
does not feel good at any age. However, children can become quite upset and
demanding when their needs are not met. Their often intense outbursts stem, in
part, from their dependent nature. Unlike most adults, young children lack the
ability to meet their own needs. They are physically unable to do most self-care
tasks. By nature, they also have strong emotional needs and vulnerabilities.
Moreover, unlike most adults, young children are unable to tolerate frustration
well. In addition, infants, toddlers, and many preschool-aged children are
unable to identify the frustrated needs that are making them upset. This makes
it impossible for most young children to tell their parents what is bothering
them and why they are often unable independently to get their needs fulfilled."
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"Misbehavior thus is
actually a specific action of the child that is seen by the adult as
producing an undesirable consequence for the adult. What
makes a child's behavior misbehavior (bad behavior) is the
perception that the behavior is, or might be, bad behavior for
the adult. The "badness'' of the behavior actually resides in
the adult's mind, not the child's; the child in fact is doing what
he or she chooses or needs to do to satisfy some need."
Källa:
Children Don't Really Misbehave
Thomas Gordon, Ph.D. |
Empathic
Grandparenting
Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
En
syrlig artikel väl värd att läsa.
Jag är curlingförälder - vad är alternativet?
Anders
Westgårdh, kolumnist på Aftonbladet
Tonåringarna
behöver vuxna som tar ansvar
Aftonbladet
Vuxenvärlden
har slutat ta ansvar
Aftonbladet
- Staffan Hildebrand
|
Maybe what we need is
to develop our own manners of respect toward our children. It is not
easy, but very simple: Children develop adult manners by the time
they are adults.
Källa:
How Children Learn Manners
Naomi Aldort |
Hidden Messages
Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
|
Newborn
What we say:
"You can cry
all you want, I'm not going to pick you up again!"
What we think:
"This is breaking my heart but all those experts can't be wrong."
What the child thinks:
"They don't
love me. They don't care about my suffering. Mommy Is perfect, so
there must be something wrong with me. l must not be worthy of
anybody's love."
What we say twenty
years later:
"What on earth do you see in Tom? How can you let him treat you like
that? Don't you know you deserve better than that?"
Infant
What we say:
"No more nursing - you're too big for that now!"
What we think:
"I'd like to
continue, but l Just can't stand all this criticism from my
relatives."
What the child thinks:
"I've just lost the most Important thing in my life: the long
periods of cuddling, and the food that felt best Inside me. l must
have done something terrible. I must be a terrible person."
What we say twenty
years later:
"Why are you drinking so much?"
Age
2
What we say:
"You can't come into our bed any more. You won't be lonely. Look,
here's a nice big teddy bear to keep you company!"
What we think:
"Grandma thinks there's something wrong with having you in our
bedroom. I'm not sure what it Is, but It's more important for us to
please her than to please you. Anyway, this teddy bear should make
you happy."
What the child thinks:
"It isn't
fair! They get to cuddle with a real person. They don't know me very
well. They don't care about my feelings. Oh well, at least they gave
me this bear."
What we say twenty
years later:
"I know you're upset that Tom broke off with you, but is that any
reason to over-charge like this on your credit card? Will all this
stuff make you feel better that someone left you? When did you get
so materialistic?"
Age
4
What we say:
"You know you're not supposed to hit your brother! I'll give you a
spanking you'll never forget!"
What we think:
"There must be a better way to handle this, but it's what my Dad did,
so it must be right."
What the child thinks:
"I was so upset with my brother I hit him. Now Dad is so upset with
me for hitting, he's hitting me. I guess It's okay for adults to
hit, but not for kids. I wonder what I should do when I get upset?
Oh well, one of these days I'll be an adult myself."
What we say twenty
years later:
"A bar room brawl? Adults don't hit people just because they're
upset. I never taught you to resort to violence!"
Age
6
What we say:
"Well, this is a big day for you. Don't be afraid, Just do
everything your teacher says."
What we think:
"Please don't embarrass me by acting up at school!"
What the child thinks:
"But I'm
afraid! I'm not ready to leave them for so many hours a day! They
must be getting tired of me. Maybe If l do what the teacher says,
they'll like me better and let me stay home."
What we say twenty
years later:
"What?! Your friends talked you into taking drugs? Do you do what
everybody else tells you to do? Don't you have a mind of your own?"
Age
8
What we say:
"Your teacher says you aren't paying attention in class. How will
you ever learn anything important?"
What we think:
"If my kid never amounts to anything, I'll feel like a failure."
What the child thinks:
"I'm not Interested In the things the teacher talks about, but I
guess she knows best. The things that do interest me must not be
important."
What we say twenty
years later:
You're 28 years old and you still don't know what you want to do
with your life? Aren't you Interested in anything?!"
Age
10
What we say:
"You broke another
dish? Oh, never mind, I'll wash them myself."
What we think:
"I know I should be more patient with you, but at least this way the
dishes will get done."
What the child thinks:
"Boy, am l clumsy. I'd better not even try to help any more."
What we say twenty
years later:
"You want that job but you won't even apply for it? You should have
more faith In yourself!"
Age
12
What we say:
"Go out and play with your friends - you'll have more fun with them
than hanging around here all day."
What we think:
"I know l should spend more time with you, but I've got so much to
do. It's a good thing there are so many kids around here."
What the child thinks:
"I want to do things with Mom and Dad, but they're always too busy.
I guess my friends like me better."
What we say twenty
years later:
"You never call us or
come to see us any more. Don't you care about our feelings?"
Age
14
What we say:
"Please leave the room, dear. Your father and I have something
personal to discuss."
What we think:
"We have some secrets we'd rather you didn't know about."
What
the child thinks:
"I'm not really part of this family."
What we say twenty
years later:
"You're in prison?!
Why didn't you tell us you were having problems? Don't you know
there are no secrets in families? We tried so hard. Where did we go
wrong?"
Källa:
The Natural Child Project |
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